1 00:00:18,439 --> 00:00:23,399 Throngs of people outside still waiting for the bride to appear. 2 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,359 She's not in there. I can feel it. 3 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,790 Any moment now, she should be leaving the hotel. 4 00:00:40,561 --> 00:00:43,753 I overestimated her. I thought she'd be more elusive. 5 00:00:51,444 --> 00:00:54,593 - I don't understand what's happening. - What is going on here? 6 00:01:00,924 --> 00:01:04,914 I don't think they want us to know which one the real bride is. 7 00:01:52,130 --> 00:01:55,049 The streets are full of brides, the skies are full of brides, 8 00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:56,969 the press doesn't know which way is up. 9 00:01:56,970 --> 00:02:00,080 I'm a genius. Still no sign of Marco Ballani? 10 00:02:00,081 --> 00:02:00,491 None. 11 00:02:00,492 --> 00:02:02,251 Our intelligence says he's gone skiing. 12 00:02:02,261 --> 00:02:03,650 Gone skiing. Now? 13 00:02:03,651 --> 00:02:05,162 Then we're good. 14 00:02:30,014 --> 00:02:31,965 Hello? 15 00:02:36,495 --> 00:02:39,695 You! What the hell are you doing in there? 16 00:02:39,696 --> 00:02:41,495 I am the wedding photographer. 17 00:02:41,496 --> 00:02:43,335 Can I have the tall people at the back? 18 00:02:43,336 --> 00:02:47,055 - OK, buster, fun's over. - How long have you been in there? 19 00:02:47,056 --> 00:02:49,806 Oh, my God. This is not soda. 20 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:52,727 I'm gonna kill you! 21 00:03:03,979 --> 00:03:06,147 You are ruining my life! 22 00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:08,168 I've ruined plenty of lives. 23 00:03:09,139 --> 00:03:11,089 You're nothing special. 24 00:03:15,340 --> 00:03:17,099 You abscess! 25 00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:22,331 When I do get married, you will not even know what continent I'm on! 26 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,940 Marco Ballani, you golden Roman god! 27 00:03:32,941 --> 00:03:36,501 I will not be defeated by that disease of a man. 28 00:03:36,502 --> 00:03:39,653 We're gonna have to disappear completely. 29 00:03:40,343 --> 00:03:43,093 We can get married in outer space. 30 00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:46,253 Or the lost underwater kingdom of Atlantis? 31 00:03:46,743 --> 00:03:48,703 Outer space? I don't think you can yet. 32 00:03:48,704 --> 00:03:51,263 Is that what your intelligence tells you? 33 00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:55,094 We're gonna have to go somewhere crazy remote. 34 00:04:54,111 --> 00:04:56,061 Hi, Mum. 35 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,182 Oh, no. 36 00:05:01,872 --> 00:05:05,342 - What's happened? - Nothing. I'm fine. 37 00:05:09,153 --> 00:05:14,624 -I'm fine. -Well, that's good. Just so long as you're fine. 38 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,873 Are you going somewhere? 39 00:05:16,874 --> 00:05:18,944 I don't suppose you're in the mood for a wedding? 40 00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:23,074 There is somebody out there for you, 41 00:05:23,075 --> 00:05:25,994 somebody sensitive and faithful and kind. 42 00:05:25,995 --> 00:05:28,474 But you'll never meet him if you're hiding here. 43 00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:31,555 Good. I don't want to meet him. He sounds like a twat. 44 00:05:31,556 --> 00:05:34,836 Anyway, I'm like kryptonite to men. 45 00:05:34,837 --> 00:05:37,746 Kryptonite dipped in cellulite. 46 00:05:39,117 --> 00:05:43,116 So, what's new on Hegg? Give me the headlines. 47 00:05:43,117 --> 00:05:45,476 One of Donald's sheep drowned. 48 00:05:45,477 --> 00:05:47,908 They had to fish it out with a curtain rail. 49 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:53,638 - Hello. - Mild out, isn't it, Iseabail? 50 00:05:53,639 --> 00:05:56,157 It's this global warming. 51 00:05:56,158 --> 00:06:00,758 - Katie's back. - Sorry, yes. Are we late? 52 00:06:00,759 --> 00:06:03,549 Too late to marry him. 53 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,831 Quick! 54 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,101 Sorry. No. 55 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,912 Hi, Angus. 56 00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:27,112 You're too late, Katie Nic Aodh. He's mine now! 57 00:06:29,162 --> 00:06:33,242 There's always the Oban tinker. He'll be visiting come September. 58 00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:36,042 And he's keen to marry on account of his leg. 59 00:06:36,043 --> 00:06:40,074 I'll marry you, Katie. How old will you be in eight years? 60 00:06:40,203 --> 00:06:44,515 - 40. - Could have gone to 36. 61 00:06:54,165 --> 00:06:56,644 - The return of the native. - Hello, Laird. 62 00:06:56,645 --> 00:06:58,996 That was quite the entrance, Katie. 63 00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:02,646 And continuing the theme of my public humiliation, 64 00:07:02,647 --> 00:07:05,165 I may need my old job back. 65 00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:07,245 Oh. What happened to your fancy Edinburgh job 66 00:07:07,246 --> 00:07:08,926 at the trouser catalogue? 67 00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:11,518 I ran out of ways to describe pockets. 68 00:07:12,087 --> 00:07:14,166 If you don't mind me saying, Katie, 69 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,047 you've always had such a terrible taste in men. 70 00:07:17,048 --> 00:07:19,798 I know. I've gone man vegan. 71 00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:23,008 They say after the first six years you don't miss them any more. 72 00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,168 You've picked the right spot to try it. 73 00:07:25,169 --> 00:07:29,960 There are no single men left on Hegg, are there, after today? 74 00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:33,119 Except for me, of course. 75 00:07:35,850 --> 00:07:37,489 Perhaps you'll dance with me later on. 76 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,649 You'll not be forgetting Hegg law, Laird. 77 00:07:40,650 --> 00:07:44,720 You must dance with us all. Eldest to youngest. 78 00:07:44,721 --> 00:07:45,611 Oh, yes. 79 00:07:45,612 --> 00:07:47,530 The dance of the dead. 80 00:07:47,531 --> 00:07:52,602 Which means I should get to you about 4:30 in the morning. 81 00:07:53,892 --> 00:07:55,843 So, 82 00:07:56,092 --> 00:07:58,252 how long are you back for? 83 00:07:58,253 --> 00:08:01,252 Well, actually, I'm thinking of staying. 84 00:08:01,253 --> 00:08:05,133 I thought you said nothing ever happened here. 85 00:08:05,134 --> 00:08:10,045 No. Well, nothing happening is becoming more appealing. 86 00:08:11,255 --> 00:08:15,734 So, this is all very grown-up. You've a wife 87 00:08:15,735 --> 00:08:18,414 - and a beard. - Well, 88 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,655 Muireen thinks differently of beards than you. 89 00:08:21,656 --> 00:08:23,606 And marriage. 90 00:08:25,775 --> 00:08:28,975 Look, I truly hope you'll be... 91 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,926 Aye. 92 00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:13,581 Hegg: An Island History, 93 00:09:13,582 --> 00:09:16,261 The Definitive Guide. By Katie Nic Aodh. 94 00:09:16,262 --> 00:09:18,172 5 pounds a copy. We split the proceeds. 95 00:09:18,262 --> 00:09:22,222 A guidebook to here? Don't be mad. 96 00:09:22,223 --> 00:09:24,382 Come see our disused toilet 97 00:09:24,383 --> 00:09:27,143 that may or may not be haunted by the ghost of a drowned cow. 98 00:09:27,144 --> 00:09:27,984 You see? 99 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:31,062 We need to channel this raw, creative energy. 100 00:09:31,063 --> 00:09:34,103 Else you're liable to get restless and go wandering off again. 101 00:09:34,104 --> 00:09:36,223 Nobody's going to buy a guidebook to Hegg. 102 00:09:36,224 --> 00:09:38,375 Unless it's cheaper than our toilet paper. 103 00:09:41,506 --> 00:09:43,855 A marketing conference? Here? 104 00:09:44,745 --> 00:09:47,584 - The tide has turned. - For the marketeers. 105 00:09:47,585 --> 00:09:50,696 a pound each or a pound 50 with hair. 106 00:09:53,146 --> 00:09:56,626 They want my castle, just as it is, for a week. 107 00:09:56,627 --> 00:09:59,457 - Good luck to them. - This is a beautiful island, Katie. 108 00:10:00,548 --> 00:10:02,266 In a way... 109 00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:06,067 New beginnings. It's like the whale all over again. 110 00:10:06,068 --> 00:10:09,707 You're not too young to remember the whale, Laird? 111 00:10:09,708 --> 00:10:12,068 - No, I remember. - There'll be money in this lot too. 112 00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:15,068 No throwing yourself at the men visitors, Katie. 113 00:10:15,069 --> 00:10:19,380 We don't want them thinking this is the Orkneys where anything goes. 114 00:10:19,549 --> 00:10:21,308 Now, Katie, chop chop. Chapter One, 115 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:24,028 in which a young woman and her laird 116 00:10:24,029 --> 00:10:26,869 rescue their island from certain doom by writing 117 00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:28,700 a brilliant guidebook. 118 00:10:37,792 --> 00:10:41,071 The island of Hegg lies half-drowned and wind-battered, 119 00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:43,791 the furthermost drop of the outermost spray 120 00:10:43,792 --> 00:10:46,191 of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. 121 00:10:46,192 --> 00:10:48,632 It has a population of 75, 122 00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,903 a majority of whom are probably about... 123 00:10:51,713 --> 00:10:55,063 75. Or even older. 124 00:10:57,434 --> 00:10:59,793 Though Hegg no doubt has a certain charm, 125 00:10:59,794 --> 00:11:02,634 it has never been a popular stop on the tourist trail. 126 00:11:02,635 --> 00:11:06,634 Even the Vikings never showed the slightest interest in us. 127 00:11:06,635 --> 00:11:10,945 But the islanders remain a hardy and resourceful people. 128 00:11:11,155 --> 00:11:15,306 All those under 50 are now married, except one. 129 00:11:16,437 --> 00:11:18,315 The island has one BandB 130 00:11:18,316 --> 00:11:22,115 which offers the traditional Scottish breakfast of haggis, 131 00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:25,435 sausage, chips and beans, or if you're feeling more metropolitan, 132 00:11:25,436 --> 00:11:27,676 you can have the continental breakfast, 133 00:11:27,677 --> 00:11:30,868 a bread roll, two Weetabix and a Snickers bar. 134 00:11:31,478 --> 00:11:34,357 Have we got any Michelin stars I can put up? 135 00:11:34,358 --> 00:11:37,237 - Are you not cold? Can I get you a coat? - I'll be fine. 136 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:41,398 - As always. - You think? - I'll be dying either way. 137 00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:44,678 I've got to get out of here, Katie. I've never been anywhere. 138 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:47,239 And I want to see the world, overdose on daiquiris 139 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:52,230 and be thrown into a volcano. But you need money for that. 140 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,539 If they ask, 141 00:11:53,540 --> 00:11:55,901 we had two stars but they fell off. 142 00:11:59,642 --> 00:12:02,800 Welcome to the Sunshine, Hegg's only BandB. 143 00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:04,641 We have rooms available. 144 00:12:04,642 --> 00:12:07,641 - We're looking for the castle. - We're marketing people. 145 00:12:07,642 --> 00:12:10,072 I'll take you there... for a tenner. 146 00:12:10,482 --> 00:12:12,481 Mum! 147 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,392 I'll take you. 148 00:12:19,563 --> 00:12:22,023 Oh, my God. 149 00:12:22,644 --> 00:12:24,514 Do you like it? 150 00:12:26,405 --> 00:12:29,154 It's spectacular. 151 00:12:31,285 --> 00:12:36,035 And that was the last we any of us saw of the Americans. 152 00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:52,286 'The gilt work glistened proudly.' 153 00:12:52,287 --> 00:12:57,308 'Time had in no way diminished the splendours of this castle.' 154 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,467 We're dead. 155 00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:01,758 Lara's expecting to walk straight into his stupid book. 156 00:13:02,288 --> 00:13:06,559 She's not gonna blame you, Steve. She is a reasonable woman. 157 00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:14,509 Get me an office, a landline, 158 00:13:14,510 --> 00:13:16,129 steeplejacks, welders, 159 00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:19,289 20,000 pounds in cash, 50,000 gallons of water, 160 00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:23,210 the construction crew from Bonnie Prince Charlie 161 00:13:23,211 --> 00:13:25,161 and a cappuccino. 162 00:13:42,693 --> 00:13:45,092 A seal. Look. How cute. 163 00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:48,613 I've no idea where we are, but it's perfect. 164 00:13:48,614 --> 00:13:52,213 'The sea turns and shakes its manacles of salt 165 00:13:52,214 --> 00:13:56,053 at the sharp rocks on which too many waves have died.' 166 00:13:56,054 --> 00:13:58,004 What's that? 167 00:13:58,135 --> 00:14:01,445 It's you. Chapter 49 of my favourite book. 168 00:14:02,255 --> 00:14:06,086 - The Ornithologist's Wife. - Really? 169 00:14:06,736 --> 00:14:11,676 My husband is gonna be one of the great writers of the 21st century. 170 00:14:12,657 --> 00:14:16,567 - So where are we exactly? - You know where we are. 171 00:14:19,497 --> 00:14:21,447 Do I? 172 00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,570 No! 173 00:14:53,141 --> 00:14:55,381 It's just how you described it. 174 00:14:55,382 --> 00:14:56,701 We're on Hegg. 175 00:14:56,702 --> 00:15:00,461 You don't remember it from your many research trips? 176 00:15:00,462 --> 00:15:02,622 Hey, you guys. 177 00:15:02,623 --> 00:15:05,702 I don't know why we didn't think of this before. 178 00:15:05,703 --> 00:15:07,983 I'm sorry we can't have friends and family. 179 00:15:07,984 --> 00:15:09,694 But this is so special, isn't it? 180 00:15:11,184 --> 00:15:13,974 It's perfect. And it's just us. 181 00:15:14,704 --> 00:15:18,614 Let's go in. I have to see the Hall of a Million Feathers. 182 00:15:19,425 --> 00:15:24,096 -Should we? -Yes, you really should. It's quite something. 183 00:15:47,068 --> 00:15:48,587 Do you like your room? 184 00:15:48,588 --> 00:15:51,787 We had 40 master craftsmen working through the night. 185 00:15:51,788 --> 00:15:53,747 One of them was 80. 186 00:15:53,748 --> 00:15:55,868 Why didn't you just tell her I made it all up? 187 00:15:55,869 --> 00:15:58,388 When Lara wants to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, 188 00:15:58,389 --> 00:15:59,908 I don't take her to Elm Street. 189 00:15:59,909 --> 00:16:02,389 This is your first time on Hegg, isn't it? 190 00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:03,988 You Googled the entire book. 191 00:16:03,989 --> 00:16:06,420 You're the first person ever to have a problem with that. 192 00:16:09,190 --> 00:16:10,780 I need some air. 193 00:16:12,311 --> 00:16:15,670 There are only seven people in the world who know we're here. 194 00:16:15,671 --> 00:16:18,390 Anybody asks, you're at a marketing conference. 195 00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:22,462 Keep your head down, and wear a hat, Tolstoy. 196 00:16:33,553 --> 00:16:36,392 If you can safely navigate the many rabbit holes, 197 00:16:36,393 --> 00:16:38,832 Hegg can be a great place to ramble. 198 00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:41,473 And as the islanders say, if you don't like the weather here, 199 00:16:41,474 --> 00:16:44,183 just wait 20 minutes and maybe you will. 200 00:16:44,184 --> 00:16:44,945 End of Chapter One. 201 00:16:51,835 --> 00:16:55,866 Chapter Two: Hegg's top hot spots. 202 00:16:56,356 --> 00:17:01,755 The people of the island are rightly proud of this ageing public amenity. 203 00:17:01,756 --> 00:17:06,356 The ornate urinals are enamelled in peacock colours, 204 00:17:06,357 --> 00:17:10,187 while the cow-sized cubicle is... 205 00:17:11,917 --> 00:17:14,508 genuinely frightening. 206 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,870 Laird. 207 00:17:40,041 --> 00:17:44,071 Hello? Pretty sure that's not a real cow. 208 00:17:44,721 --> 00:17:47,551 Unless it's got hold of a kazoo. 209 00:17:52,282 --> 00:17:55,042 - Sorry. - Oh, no, no, really. I'm... 210 00:17:55,043 --> 00:17:56,762 The laird of the island has a similar hat. 211 00:17:56,763 --> 00:17:58,122 Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs... 212 00:17:58,123 --> 00:18:01,443 - Not Mrs. - No, no. No. 213 00:18:01,444 --> 00:18:04,234 I was just pretending to be the ghost of this cow, 214 00:18:04,444 --> 00:18:07,274 which, of course, sounds completely mad. 215 00:18:09,124 --> 00:18:11,075 Not at all. 216 00:18:11,484 --> 00:18:12,884 Sorry. From the outside, 217 00:18:12,885 --> 00:18:15,684 your home looks like it might be open to the public. 218 00:18:15,685 --> 00:18:17,916 My home? 219 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,645 You don't live here? 220 00:18:20,646 --> 00:18:24,045 Not in this toilet, no. 221 00:18:24,046 --> 00:18:27,485 Here we live in primitive dwellings anthropologists like 222 00:18:27,486 --> 00:18:29,086 to call houses. 223 00:18:29,087 --> 00:18:34,477 Please forgive me. I've spent a lot of time with... hermits. 224 00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,806 For someone in marketing, you're not very good at lying. 225 00:18:37,807 --> 00:18:39,918 I'm still quite junior. 226 00:18:42,729 --> 00:18:45,188 - Katie. - I'm J... 227 00:18:47,609 --> 00:18:50,528 John. John... son. - John... 228 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,968 John John Johnson. 229 00:18:52,969 --> 00:18:56,169 And I'm... I'm quite lost. 230 00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:59,950 No wonder. That book isn't right about anything. 231 00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:04,449 You haven't read it. No one's read it, not all the way through. 232 00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:06,770 That's the only book ever written about Hegg. 233 00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,730 Everybody who can read has read it. 234 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,970 - The Hegg Book Club gave it four out of ten. - Four out of ten? 235 00:19:11,971 --> 00:19:14,571 We thought it picked up around page 600. 236 00:19:14,572 --> 00:19:17,331 The architecture of the book was probably quite deliberate. 237 00:19:17,332 --> 00:19:19,691 Wow, the Hegg Book Club are a tough crowd. 238 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:23,732 Oh, and the love story? I didn't buy that at all. 239 00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:25,852 It was just soulless. 240 00:19:25,853 --> 00:19:29,013 - Soulless? - Maybe his second book will be better. 241 00:19:29,014 --> 00:19:31,212 - Is it out yet? - Not yet, no. 242 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:34,293 God. It's been years. Either he's very, 243 00:19:34,294 --> 00:19:38,214 very blocked or it's even longer than that one. Can you imagine? 244 00:19:38,215 --> 00:19:41,834 Do you want me to carry it for a bit? 245 00:19:44,575 --> 00:19:46,895 Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona. 246 00:19:46,896 --> 00:19:49,815 There's no monastery here. No monks. No miracles. 247 00:19:49,816 --> 00:19:53,056 - That's OK. - But no free accommodation here. 248 00:19:53,057 --> 00:19:55,155 I believe in God so-so, 249 00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:57,096 but I'm also very interested in yoga. 250 00:19:57,097 --> 00:20:00,936 -Hung jury, you see. So no discount. -No problem. 251 00:20:00,937 --> 00:20:03,167 I will pay upfront, in full. 252 00:20:05,098 --> 00:20:07,057 To be fair, he had to make it up. 253 00:20:07,058 --> 00:20:10,537 You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet of about five pages. 254 00:20:10,538 --> 00:20:12,489 OK, I know where I am now. 255 00:20:13,259 --> 00:20:16,618 Look, you're here to work, obviously. 256 00:20:16,619 --> 00:20:21,218 But if you ever fancy a coffee, I just live at the BandB over... 257 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:23,970 down there, with my mother. 258 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:27,460 Just... I'm around most of the time, 259 00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:30,171 and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look. 260 00:20:31,821 --> 00:20:33,771 We've got so much... 261 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,932 marketing to do. 262 00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:40,692 OK. This wasn't... 263 00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:44,893 I wasn't... I don't any more. 264 00:20:45,222 --> 00:20:48,292 I've gone vegan anyway. 265 00:20:50,303 --> 00:20:52,254 Yeah. 266 00:20:53,343 --> 00:20:55,014 Sorry. 267 00:20:55,544 --> 00:20:57,454 Bye. 268 00:21:03,065 --> 00:21:05,015 Room three. 269 00:21:05,584 --> 00:21:07,886 Blessings. 270 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,535 It's a hobby. 271 00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:15,585 I hope to capture one of your very rare birds on film. 272 00:21:15,586 --> 00:21:20,105 We don't have any rare birds. We have hedgehogs. 273 00:21:20,106 --> 00:21:21,696 Yeah, well, I am here now. 274 00:21:21,786 --> 00:21:24,906 I have just made the most unbelievable 275 00:21:24,907 --> 00:21:28,217 - twat of myself. - We have a guest. 276 00:21:33,428 --> 00:21:38,659 - I don't trust this monk. - People say they monkey around. 277 00:21:40,909 --> 00:21:44,380 - I think he's a journalist. - Why? 278 00:21:44,989 --> 00:21:48,019 Are you taking your pills properly? 279 00:22:05,192 --> 00:22:07,811 Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke 280 00:22:07,812 --> 00:22:08,812 from hot dreams of lost things 281 00:22:19,394 --> 00:22:22,824 and adjusted his testicular implant. 282 00:22:37,876 --> 00:22:40,306 I'm a whole lot hotter than I look. 283 00:22:53,037 --> 00:22:54,987 Yeah? 284 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,959 Are you sure it's so terribly unlucky to make love 285 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,640 the night before the wedding? 286 00:23:23,641 --> 00:23:26,480 I hate it when you beg for sex. 287 00:23:26,481 --> 00:23:29,042 You are staggeringly beautiful. 288 00:23:37,162 --> 00:23:40,353 Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave 289 00:23:40,523 --> 00:23:43,122 with caverns of longingness. 290 00:23:43,123 --> 00:23:45,862 Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.' 291 00:23:45,863 --> 00:23:47,163 It's not even a word. 292 00:23:47,164 --> 00:23:51,244 No. That was just me saying what I was thinking. 293 00:23:51,245 --> 00:23:53,595 Oh, right. Sorry. 294 00:23:57,365 --> 00:23:59,516 It finally got dark, then? 295 00:24:20,848 --> 00:24:25,599 You're not a monk. And you're not having my story. 296 00:24:31,768 --> 00:24:33,959 Is that the Caledonian Press Agency? 297 00:24:36,769 --> 00:24:40,120 Visualise your cellulite melting! 298 00:24:44,290 --> 00:24:46,721 Come on! You're doing really well! 299 00:25:10,894 --> 00:25:12,444 Oh, my God. 300 00:25:19,934 --> 00:25:21,885 This is good. Feel the burn. 301 00:25:26,375 --> 00:25:28,206 Lara? 302 00:25:45,218 --> 00:25:47,936 When you say 'kind of like missing... '? 303 00:25:47,937 --> 00:25:49,929 She's... She's totally gone. 304 00:25:51,978 --> 00:25:54,498 OK, she saw him. Did he see her? 305 00:25:54,499 --> 00:25:57,898 I don't know. He's disguised as a wizard. 306 00:25:57,899 --> 00:26:02,018 Some kind of brown wizard. And he's in a tree right by the chapel. 307 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:03,699 How does he do this? 308 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,651 He's amazing. 309 00:26:12,901 --> 00:26:17,540 OK, he's in a tree. He wants a photo of the happy couple. 310 00:26:17,541 --> 00:26:20,941 Let's give it to him. We go through with the wedding exactly as planned. 311 00:26:20,942 --> 00:26:22,561 But with a stand-in. Ballani, 312 00:26:22,562 --> 00:26:23,861 convinced he's at the real wedding, 313 00:26:23,862 --> 00:26:26,261 takes his photo and leaves. Then we go find Lara, 314 00:26:26,262 --> 00:26:27,662 bring her back to the chapel 315 00:26:27,663 --> 00:26:30,502 and do it all over again, this time for real. 316 00:26:30,503 --> 00:26:32,822 You are amazing also. 317 00:26:32,823 --> 00:26:35,042 I'll go and tell James? 318 00:26:35,043 --> 00:26:37,263 Don't tell that Googling leech anything. 319 00:26:37,264 --> 00:26:40,884 If James finds out Lara is missing, he's gonna go looking for her... 320 00:26:42,985 --> 00:26:44,574 Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, 321 00:26:44,575 --> 00:26:45,425 I'm gonna do my own hair this time. 322 00:26:45,426 --> 00:26:47,374 - Because I know what I want. - Fine. 323 00:26:50,945 --> 00:26:52,895 Everything all right? 324 00:26:53,346 --> 00:26:55,616 - Yay. - Yay. 325 00:26:57,826 --> 00:27:01,097 - Good luck. - All right. 326 00:27:01,946 --> 00:27:03,866 But if James doesn't know that Lara is missing, 327 00:27:03,867 --> 00:27:04,787 how is that gonna work? 328 00:27:04,788 --> 00:27:10,066 He has to think it's for real. We need a decoy bride. 329 00:27:10,067 --> 00:27:12,448 None of you are right. Too tall, too black. 330 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:15,067 - I could do it. - Don't be stupid. 331 00:27:15,068 --> 00:27:17,827 Ballani knows you. He needs to see you with James. 332 00:27:17,828 --> 00:27:21,369 I just need somebody who can walk 20 feet without falling over. 333 00:27:22,549 --> 00:27:24,547 Who was that awful girl? 334 00:27:24,548 --> 00:27:28,389 - But I don't look anything like Lara Tyler. - That's true, 335 00:27:28,390 --> 00:27:31,830 but neither does she until these ladies get their hands on her. 336 00:27:31,831 --> 00:27:35,750 - Hi. - We think you're full of potential. 337 00:27:35,751 --> 00:27:38,390 - No. Sorry. - 200 Pounds. 338 00:27:38,391 --> 00:27:40,790 I'm really not interested. I'm off weddings. 339 00:27:40,791 --> 00:27:43,590 500. It's not a real wedding. 340 00:27:43,591 --> 00:27:46,831 Are they ever? I nearly bought a wedding dress once. 341 00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:49,942 - Cost the same as a Fiat Uno. - 5,000. 342 00:27:51,153 --> 00:27:54,192 Has somebody on the island told you I'm a prostitute? 343 00:27:54,193 --> 00:27:58,032 Look, I'm really not interested, and my mum'll be back in a while 344 00:27:58,033 --> 00:27:59,913 and I said I'd cook her lunch, so... 345 00:27:59,914 --> 00:28:02,872 One hour's improvisation. No scenes of a sexual nature. 346 00:28:02,873 --> 00:28:03,554 5,000. 347 00:28:03,564 --> 00:28:07,353 You can do something really nice for your poor, 348 00:28:07,354 --> 00:28:09,025 sick mother. 349 00:28:16,116 --> 00:28:18,155 What the flipping heck are they? 350 00:28:18,156 --> 00:28:20,986 I'm going to temporarily immobilise your nasolabial folds. 351 00:28:25,196 --> 00:28:26,995 - What are you doing? - It's just like bleach. 352 00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:29,035 - It'll make your hair lighter. - No way. 353 00:28:29,036 --> 00:28:32,036 She is not putting toilet cleaner in my hair. 354 00:28:32,037 --> 00:28:33,907 Don't be a diva. 355 00:28:34,757 --> 00:28:36,707 No, no, no. 356 00:28:41,638 --> 00:28:44,069 - Sorry. - Hopeless. 357 00:29:23,003 --> 00:29:25,123 Let's just make extra sure. 358 00:29:25,124 --> 00:29:28,683 You're an Oscar nominee. You ooze confidence. 359 00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:31,523 You define poise. You're the face that launched a thousand campaigns. 360 00:29:31,524 --> 00:29:34,243 And your latest thing is quoting Gertrude Stein. 361 00:29:34,244 --> 00:29:36,755 At length and from memory. 362 00:29:37,725 --> 00:29:41,004 OK, Steve, we're in. He's not inside we don't think. 363 00:29:41,005 --> 00:29:43,614 But safer to assume the place is bugged. 364 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:44,245 Over and out. 365 00:29:44,246 --> 00:29:46,956 Can you do an American accent? 366 00:30:11,848 --> 00:30:13,798 Lara? You OK? 367 00:30:17,729 --> 00:30:23,880 Hi. Will you love her, comfort her, 368 00:30:24,570 --> 00:30:27,761 honour and protect her, 369 00:30:29,131 --> 00:30:32,571 and forsaking all others be faithful to her 370 00:30:32,572 --> 00:30:35,130 for as long as you both shall live? 371 00:30:35,131 --> 00:30:37,082 See? 372 00:30:38,052 --> 00:30:40,003 - I will. - I will. 373 00:30:44,212 --> 00:30:46,162 I will! 374 00:30:46,373 --> 00:30:52,083 I, James Neil Arber, take you, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, 375 00:30:52,173 --> 00:30:57,364 to be my wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health... 376 00:31:00,374 --> 00:31:02,533 ...to love and cherish 377 00:31:02,534 --> 00:31:06,965 until death us do part. In the presence of God, I take this vow. 378 00:31:08,976 --> 00:31:14,295 I, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, take you, 379 00:31:14,296 --> 00:31:20,336 James Neil Arber, to be my husband, 380 00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:26,896 to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, 381 00:31:26,897 --> 00:31:30,336 for richer, for poorer, 382 00:31:30,337 --> 00:31:32,417 sickness, health, love, death, cherish. 383 00:31:32,418 --> 00:31:34,377 In the presence of God, I make this vow. 384 00:31:34,378 --> 00:31:36,328 Who has the rings? 385 00:31:38,299 --> 00:31:41,619 - Steve, what the hell's going on? - I'll explain it to you later. 386 00:31:41,620 --> 00:31:45,490 The ring text is optional, right? 387 00:31:46,340 --> 00:31:49,699 I now pronounce you man and wife. 388 00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:52,731 - You may kiss the bride. - Who is this? 389 00:31:54,220 --> 00:31:56,139 John Johnson. 390 00:31:56,140 --> 00:31:58,371 Toilet girl? 391 00:31:58,942 --> 00:32:01,100 We had to buy time to look for Lara. 392 00:32:01,101 --> 00:32:03,221 Who's we? Who's looking for her? 393 00:32:03,222 --> 00:32:06,701 - The gang. - The gang of beauticians? 394 00:32:06,702 --> 00:32:08,861 Are you mad? She could have fallen off a cliff! 395 00:32:08,862 --> 00:32:10,042 You think Ballani is gonna believe 396 00:32:10,043 --> 00:32:11,222 this toilet attendant is my wife? 397 00:32:11,223 --> 00:32:13,421 I am not a toilet attendant. 398 00:32:13,422 --> 00:32:14,662 She has been hunted by the press since she was 15. 399 00:32:14,663 --> 00:32:15,802 So, guess what, that makes her a bit jumpy. 400 00:32:15,803 --> 00:32:16,343 And what have you done? 401 00:32:16,344 --> 00:32:20,543 You have lost her on a Hegg with the one paparazzo she hates the most. 402 00:32:20,544 --> 00:32:24,164 How... When did they do all this? 403 00:32:24,264 --> 00:32:26,073 This is my job, to protect her career. 404 00:32:26,074 --> 00:32:27,783 Her career? No, no. She's retiring. 405 00:32:27,784 --> 00:32:33,176 - FYI, there's only you and her that think that. - Steve. Steve! 406 00:32:33,905 --> 00:32:37,065 - What? - Is that the press? 407 00:32:37,066 --> 00:32:41,505 Oh, God. How the hell did this happen? 408 00:32:41,506 --> 00:32:44,866 Can I please have my clothes and my cheque? 409 00:32:44,867 --> 00:32:46,505 - My mother's expecting me. - I'm gonna find her. 410 00:32:46,506 --> 00:32:46,867 No No 411 00:32:46,877 --> 00:32:49,586 The last thing we need is you charging around attracting unwanted attention. 412 00:32:49,587 --> 00:32:53,208 Lara is missing. There might be wolves out there. 413 00:32:54,068 --> 00:32:56,586 You're absolutely right. I wasn't thinking straight. 414 00:32:56,587 --> 00:32:59,347 Of course, If anybody can find her, it's you. 415 00:32:59,348 --> 00:33:01,467 - This way, both of you. - Thank you. 416 00:33:01,468 --> 00:33:04,499 This way. This is the back way out. 417 00:33:08,749 --> 00:33:13,059 - An hour, you said! - Yeah, well, I'm full of shit. 418 00:33:14,109 --> 00:33:16,670 There must be a way out. 419 00:33:16,671 --> 00:33:20,470 I am not a toilet attendant. And I did tell you my name. 420 00:33:20,471 --> 00:33:23,311 If only I could remember your name, we could find a way out of here. 421 00:33:23,312 --> 00:33:26,071 Sorry. It's cruel to give the servants names, isn't it? 422 00:33:26,072 --> 00:33:28,071 Don't want to get too attached to them. 423 00:33:28,072 --> 00:33:30,711 Astonishing. Give you a white dress and suddenly everything's about you. 424 00:33:30,712 --> 00:33:32,741 This is not your big day, Katie. 425 00:33:32,742 --> 00:33:33,823 Nor yours, apparently. 426 00:33:37,152 --> 00:33:41,183 You're having an 'Ornithologist's Wife' themed wedding. 427 00:33:43,953 --> 00:33:46,513 - And if we are? - I suppose it could be worse. 428 00:33:46,514 --> 00:33:49,753 I could be trapped inside Stephen King's honeymoon. 429 00:33:49,754 --> 00:33:51,633 Though apparently he's a nice guy. 430 00:33:51,634 --> 00:33:54,034 How much are you getting paid for this, in hillbilly money? 431 00:33:54,035 --> 00:33:55,233 Not nearly enough. 432 00:33:55,234 --> 00:33:57,465 So why are we doing that? 433 00:33:57,795 --> 00:33:59,983 As long as they think Lara's in the castle, 434 00:33:59,984 --> 00:34:01,594 they'll camp out there. 435 00:34:01,595 --> 00:34:06,617 As long as they're out there, they're not looking for Lara. 436 00:34:08,476 --> 00:34:09,996 Come on. 437 00:34:12,357 --> 00:34:16,668 - Strupak! A pound. - It's like tea. 438 00:34:16,878 --> 00:34:18,917 It is tea. 439 00:34:18,918 --> 00:34:22,237 Get a move on, you carnaptious bampot! 440 00:34:22,238 --> 00:34:25,068 There's money to be made. 441 00:34:25,198 --> 00:34:27,037 A pack of journalists just stepped off the ferry 442 00:34:27,038 --> 00:34:29,197 wi' more coming over the Minch. 443 00:34:29,198 --> 00:34:32,029 It's like the whale all over again. 444 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,711 The happy couple. Nice arse. 445 00:34:48,762 --> 00:34:50,712 What's this? 446 00:34:53,321 --> 00:34:55,272 IPhone. 447 00:34:56,522 --> 00:34:58,473 Diamond earrings. 448 00:34:59,962 --> 00:35:01,962 It's a party bag, isn't it? 449 00:35:01,963 --> 00:35:05,033 You're getting party bags from your own wedding. 450 00:35:09,123 --> 00:35:11,763 You're too far gone to understand, but it's so funny. 451 00:35:11,764 --> 00:35:16,243 I'm counting all my money on my very expensive money-counting machine. 452 00:35:16,244 --> 00:35:18,124 Bling! Bling! 453 00:35:18,125 --> 00:35:22,723 Hello? Eight times six million at 12 and half percent interest? 454 00:35:22,724 --> 00:35:24,244 I'll just check for you. 455 00:35:24,245 --> 00:35:28,485 Look, try to get your head round this. I'm marrying Lara Tyler. 456 00:35:28,486 --> 00:35:34,646 I'm not marrying you. This is Lara's idea... and my idea, 457 00:35:34,647 --> 00:35:38,126 of a great wedding. 458 00:35:38,127 --> 00:35:40,406 If I were marrying you, we would be in the place of your choosing. 459 00:35:40,407 --> 00:35:43,407 The bar of some brightly lit 2 star hotel, no doubt, draped in tinsel, 460 00:35:43,408 --> 00:35:44,547 drinking German wine 461 00:35:44,548 --> 00:35:46,327 and watching your cousins have sex in the car park. 462 00:35:46,328 --> 00:35:48,628 - You're a horrible snob. - So are you. 463 00:35:50,608 --> 00:35:53,799 What an eclectic library. 464 00:35:56,729 --> 00:36:00,510 Signed. That's tragic. 465 00:36:03,210 --> 00:36:06,289 - Did you sign the register? - You saw me. Why? 466 00:36:06,290 --> 00:36:08,321 Is that the legal bit? 467 00:36:08,970 --> 00:36:10,689 I think, in all the fuss, 468 00:36:10,690 --> 00:36:12,280 I may have signed my own name. 469 00:36:12,281 --> 00:36:13,001 So? 470 00:36:43,975 --> 00:36:47,614 I can confirm that Lara Tyler and James Arber 471 00:36:47,615 --> 00:36:51,374 were finally married today in a small, 472 00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,254 tasteful private ceremony. 473 00:36:53,255 --> 00:36:57,015 They will be leaving for a secret honeymoon destination 474 00:36:57,016 --> 00:36:59,335 in the morning, but, as you can see, 475 00:36:59,336 --> 00:37:03,526 they will be spending their wedding night in that turret there. 476 00:37:04,456 --> 00:37:07,048 That window there 477 00:37:07,217 --> 00:37:09,167 is where the action is. 478 00:37:10,497 --> 00:37:12,448 - Thank you. - Is there a picture of the dress? 479 00:37:13,538 --> 00:37:15,377 Don't get the bottom of the dress wet. 480 00:37:15,378 --> 00:37:16,937 Would you like me to take it off? 481 00:37:16,938 --> 00:37:20,458 -You're not married already? I imagine that might be helpful. -No. 482 00:37:20,459 --> 00:37:21,817 I remember now. Not married. 483 00:37:21,818 --> 00:37:24,419 But still a world authority on romance in literature, 484 00:37:24,420 --> 00:37:28,018 - will not cruising toilets for men. - Parasite. 485 00:37:28,019 --> 00:37:30,299 I hope she's made you sign a prenup. 486 00:37:30,300 --> 00:37:33,369 How did they fit you into that dress? 487 00:37:33,370 --> 00:37:34,180 She has. 488 00:37:34,181 --> 00:37:37,019 How does that work exactly? When you get divorced, does she get half 489 00:37:37,020 --> 00:37:40,140 of your unfinished books? - I am no parasite. 490 00:37:40,141 --> 00:37:42,100 I didn't even live with Lara until recently. 491 00:37:42,101 --> 00:37:45,261 She built me this gazebo in the grounds where I write. 492 00:37:45,262 --> 00:37:48,580 She keeps you in a shed at the bottom of the garden 493 00:37:48,581 --> 00:37:51,541 - like a tortoise. - Look, you're what? Late 30s? 494 00:37:51,542 --> 00:37:53,822 - 30, just. - Still living with your mum? 495 00:37:53,823 --> 00:37:57,342 I am living with my mother temporarily because she is sick. 496 00:37:57,343 --> 00:37:58,223 And what is it you do again? 497 00:37:58,224 --> 00:37:59,502 Are you president of this Hegg Book Club? 498 00:37:59,503 --> 00:38:03,663 - Or do you just administer their medication? - I too am a writer. 499 00:38:03,664 --> 00:38:08,103 - A writer? Of what exactly? - Of something that people actually read. 500 00:38:08,104 --> 00:38:10,143 - Do you write cereal packets? - Look... 501 00:38:10,144 --> 00:38:11,364 Do you write your name over and over 502 00:38:11,365 --> 00:38:12,425 in the dirt on the back of trucks? 503 00:38:12,426 --> 00:38:16,865 If you must know, I write for an online menswear catalogue. 504 00:38:16,866 --> 00:38:21,345 A trouser catalogue. I don't do it anymore. 505 00:38:21,346 --> 00:38:24,184 What, 'five pairs of brown trousers with elasticated waistbands, 506 00:38:24,185 --> 00:38:26,025 £30 while stocks last?' That kind of thing? 507 00:38:26,026 --> 00:38:28,225 I have also written the official guidebook to Hegg, 508 00:38:28,226 --> 00:38:31,826 which is accurate than certain other accounts of life on the island. 509 00:38:31,827 --> 00:38:34,057 That sounds fascinating. 510 00:38:34,987 --> 00:38:37,387 Any news? Have you found her? 511 00:38:37,388 --> 00:38:41,228 Hello! This island is much bigger than you said, OK? Over. 512 00:38:41,229 --> 00:38:45,307 Perhaps you'd like to do time in the San Quentin nail bar instead. 513 00:38:45,308 --> 00:38:47,579 Keep looking. Over. And out. 514 00:38:49,349 --> 00:38:51,300 Later. 515 00:38:51,470 --> 00:38:52,940 Where is she? 516 00:38:53,029 --> 00:38:55,948 - So what are we going for, then? Fat or thin? - Both. 517 00:38:55,949 --> 00:38:58,669 'Podgy Hollywood star looks gaunt 518 00:38:58,670 --> 00:39:00,381 on happy day'? 519 00:39:03,751 --> 00:39:06,182 Assholes. 520 00:39:06,912 --> 00:39:10,612 -Hello. -Move along now, ma'am. No one gets in the castle. 521 00:39:10,711 --> 00:39:12,191 She'll be lucky. 522 00:39:12,192 --> 00:39:16,222 Would you have a portable telephone that I could per chance borrow? 523 00:39:16,593 --> 00:39:19,584 There's no reception, love. Payphone in there. 524 00:39:22,753 --> 00:39:25,153 Can I have a ticket for the telephone, please? 525 00:39:25,154 --> 00:39:27,472 Keep the triples coming. I'm buying. 526 00:39:27,473 --> 00:39:32,353 Look at her. Flashing her cash about like the Sheikh of Oman. 527 00:39:32,354 --> 00:39:34,915 As if the story was hers to sell. 528 00:39:37,835 --> 00:39:41,315 Hello. I am 'Stars Today' and I am here to buy copy 529 00:39:41,316 --> 00:39:43,315 for our Lara Tyler wedding special. 530 00:39:43,316 --> 00:39:47,435 Nobody's seen anything and there are no pictures. 531 00:39:47,436 --> 00:39:50,515 You mean you've got no pictures. Marco Ballani will have pictures. 532 00:39:50,516 --> 00:39:52,547 What, that Marco Ballani? 533 00:39:57,237 --> 00:39:59,187 Do you have the photo? 534 00:39:59,477 --> 00:40:02,437 Marco! Have you got the photo? 535 00:40:02,438 --> 00:40:04,788 I have nothing. 536 00:40:06,639 --> 00:40:10,637 What's this nameless new book of yours about, then, if it exists? 537 00:40:10,638 --> 00:40:16,838 It's about the end of the world as seen through the eyes of God. 538 00:40:16,839 --> 00:40:18,790 Oh, dear. 539 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:23,639 Did no one tell you to write about what you know? 540 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:26,479 She thinks you're a genius, doesn't she? And you're trying 541 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,040 to be one so you're good enough to be with Lara Tyler. 542 00:40:29,041 --> 00:40:32,071 But it's left you totally blocked. Pathetic. 543 00:40:32,281 --> 00:40:34,760 Still living with your mum, retending to be a movie star, 544 00:40:34,761 --> 00:40:37,481 writing a guidebook about an island no one will ever visit. 545 00:40:37,482 --> 00:40:39,313 That's pathetic. 546 00:40:44,162 --> 00:40:46,463 I'm going to open my presents now. 547 00:40:52,083 --> 00:40:54,914 Ah! Did you not get your picture? 548 00:40:55,684 --> 00:40:58,963 - Do I know you? - No, you do not. 549 00:40:58,964 --> 00:41:02,403 No, I know only her. 550 00:41:02,404 --> 00:41:04,844 Did you know she lived in her pool for 2 weeks 551 00:41:04,845 --> 00:41:06,676 before filming 'The Drowning'? 552 00:41:07,566 --> 00:41:10,645 I lived above her in her pool house roof. 553 00:41:10,646 --> 00:41:13,244 We are both obsessional compulsional types, you know. 554 00:41:13,245 --> 00:41:16,646 - You didn't sell these? - They are too personal. 555 00:41:16,647 --> 00:41:19,597 And only now she has married someone else do I realise... 556 00:41:20,846 --> 00:41:25,998 I love her. I am a cavern of longingness. 557 00:41:28,168 --> 00:41:30,838 - Is that good English? - Yeah. 558 00:41:44,729 --> 00:41:46,280 I don't get it. 559 00:41:46,370 --> 00:41:49,619 Lara and I like big cat documentaries. 560 00:41:49,620 --> 00:41:50,241 Deal with it. 561 00:41:56,451 --> 00:41:59,490 - What are you doing here? - Where's Lara? 562 00:41:59,491 --> 00:42:01,290 As if I'd tell you. 563 00:42:01,291 --> 00:42:03,811 Behind the back of the world's most fascinating woman, 564 00:42:03,812 --> 00:42:05,891 you drink champagne and you cavort with prostitutes. 565 00:42:05,892 --> 00:42:08,122 I'm not a prostitute. 566 00:42:09,132 --> 00:42:12,852 - I'm his wife. - She is a horrendous mistake. 567 00:42:12,853 --> 00:42:17,004 You have failed again to marry Lara. This is a better match for you. 568 00:42:26,974 --> 00:42:29,973 I'm sorry but I can't take your call right now If that's Random House, 569 00:42:29,974 --> 00:42:32,614 I've had a succession of computer issues and an illness, 570 00:42:32,615 --> 00:42:33,446 it's going really well 571 00:42:33,447 --> 00:42:34,846 and I'll be mailing some chapters at the week. 572 00:42:48,137 --> 00:42:52,847 Well, it looks like I might have hit on my very own Lara Tyler exclusive. 573 00:42:55,858 --> 00:42:58,317 Are you gonna fight like a man 574 00:42:58,318 --> 00:43:00,329 or just throw puffins at me? 575 00:43:15,821 --> 00:43:18,500 I will find her. And when I find her, I will have her. 576 00:43:18,501 --> 00:43:20,730 Not very likely. 577 00:43:23,621 --> 00:43:25,571 Look. 578 00:43:48,384 --> 00:43:51,463 - What are you doing? - I'm just nipping out for some milk. 579 00:43:51,464 --> 00:43:54,303 - What do you think you are? Tarzan? - Lara's got a climbing wall. 580 00:43:54,304 --> 00:43:56,255 Of course she has. 581 00:43:56,585 --> 00:43:58,024 It's been an absolute pleasure. 582 00:43:58,025 --> 00:43:59,704 Oh, I'm staying here, am I? 583 00:43:59,705 --> 00:44:02,745 What makes your girlfriend more of a priority than my sick mother? 584 00:44:02,746 --> 00:44:06,985 - There might be wolves out there. - Wolves? There's no wolves. 585 00:44:06,986 --> 00:44:10,146 We don't even have bees. She might stand on a hedgehog, 586 00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:12,505 which would be good, actually, ecause we're overrun. 587 00:44:12,506 --> 00:44:16,067 Save it for the second edition of your dreary little guidebook. 588 00:44:16,068 --> 00:44:18,018 If there is one. 589 00:44:22,668 --> 00:44:25,908 Right, wait there. I'm coming with you. I'm coming down. 590 00:44:25,909 --> 00:44:28,228 The pedalo's full of water. You'll get the bottom of the dress wet. 591 00:44:28,229 --> 00:44:31,748 You'll be released back into the community shortly. Get back inside! 592 00:44:31,749 --> 00:44:33,779 - Goodbye! - Stupid nails. 593 00:45:33,357 --> 00:45:36,346 Don't look at my legs. Please. 594 00:45:38,677 --> 00:45:41,307 You got the bottom of the dress wet. 595 00:45:48,959 --> 00:45:52,878 - Thanks for saving my life. - I'm sorry you nearly drowned. 596 00:45:52,879 --> 00:45:56,277 Don't be. My life flashed in front of my eyes, 597 00:45:56,278 --> 00:45:59,078 and halfway through I was just bored. 598 00:45:59,079 --> 00:46:02,750 - Being drowned was a highlight. - Me too, actually. 599 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:08,199 Quite nice to do something productive for once. 600 00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:13,911 You were right about me staying with my mum. I am a loser. 601 00:46:16,361 --> 00:46:20,721 Well, you were right about my book being a bit soulless. 602 00:46:20,722 --> 00:46:22,672 And about me being blocked. 603 00:46:23,562 --> 00:46:27,442 - I guess I'm the bigger loser. - I'm definitely the bigger loser. 604 00:46:27,443 --> 00:46:30,593 Oh, no. Not by a long shot. 605 00:46:30,604 --> 00:46:32,833 Why do you have to be so competitive? 606 00:46:32,963 --> 00:46:34,963 ...computer issues and an illness, 607 00:46:34,974 --> 00:46:36,274 but it's going really well and... 608 00:46:37,124 --> 00:46:40,363 James, I'm sorry. I can't get into the castle. 609 00:46:40,364 --> 00:46:43,403 You know in your book, the place where they kiss? 610 00:46:43,404 --> 00:46:44,524 Meet me there. 611 00:46:44,525 --> 00:46:48,275 Bring the priest and the rings. I love you. I do love you. 612 00:46:51,806 --> 00:46:53,955 The place where they kiss. 613 00:46:55,286 --> 00:46:59,125 This is very kind of you, but there's really no need. I can do it. 614 00:46:59,126 --> 00:47:01,076 Och, I insist. 615 00:47:02,607 --> 00:47:06,386 I thought you were wonderful in 'The Wolf and the Moon.' 616 00:47:07,927 --> 00:47:12,326 So... Thank you for getting the word out about my wedding. 617 00:47:12,327 --> 00:47:14,927 - How did it go? - It didn't. 618 00:47:14,928 --> 00:47:16,878 Thanks to you. 619 00:47:19,928 --> 00:47:23,129 Gone to get rich and get drunk. Back perhaps. Mum X 620 00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:31,727 Knock, knock. 621 00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:13,732 Quills. 622 00:49:14,502 --> 00:49:16,702 Christmas present from Lara. 623 00:49:16,703 --> 00:49:20,052 She thought they might help with the writing. 624 00:49:28,184 --> 00:49:31,654 Must have been a terrible concert. 625 00:49:31,864 --> 00:49:36,495 - Dad, gone. We don't talk about him. - OK. 626 00:49:43,546 --> 00:49:47,936 Throw the money over. The money or the wheelchair with you in it. 627 00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:50,937 Come on. 628 00:49:53,386 --> 00:49:55,337 - Did you hear me? - Yes. 629 00:49:57,107 --> 00:49:59,137 I'm thinking about it. 630 00:50:22,950 --> 00:50:26,100 It needs... everything. 631 00:50:26,390 --> 00:50:28,341 I like it. 632 00:50:29,591 --> 00:50:33,150 April really is the cruelest month. 633 00:50:33,151 --> 00:50:35,550 - Poor Angus. - Sorry. Is he your? 634 00:50:35,551 --> 00:50:40,751 No. Should have been, probably, but I only go for arty types 635 00:50:40,752 --> 00:50:45,752 with monster commitment issues. My ex-fiance was in a band. 636 00:50:45,753 --> 00:50:49,032 They just had a top 40 hit with the song 'Bed Hopper'. 637 00:50:49,033 --> 00:50:52,513 - So the clues were there.- I thought it was ironic. 638 00:50:52,514 --> 00:50:57,354 Stupid. But, then, I also thought he liked girls who, you know, 639 00:50:57,355 --> 00:51:00,434 give intelligent feedback. 640 00:51:00,435 --> 00:51:04,275 And so he told me I was just one song, 641 00:51:04,276 --> 00:51:06,226 not a whole album. 642 00:51:08,076 --> 00:51:10,955 I'm finished with relationships. 643 00:51:10,956 --> 00:51:14,146 - They say it's when you stop looking that you... - Get married? 644 00:51:15,996 --> 00:51:20,437 Actually, marriage is becoming surprisingly bearable. 645 00:51:20,438 --> 00:51:23,116 At least the fact that you are going to leave me for another woman 646 00:51:23,117 --> 00:51:25,418 has been agreed in advance. 647 00:51:27,077 --> 00:51:29,028 What's she like? 648 00:51:29,437 --> 00:51:33,357 I suppose she's just like anybody else, just a normal girl. 649 00:51:33,358 --> 00:51:37,750 No. No, she's rare and fine 650 00:51:38,799 --> 00:51:42,998 and peculiar and modest. And generous. 651 00:51:42,999 --> 00:51:45,460 And really, really nice. 652 00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:51,390 And brilliant. At everything. 653 00:51:54,481 --> 00:51:57,791 But can she do this? 654 00:52:06,643 --> 00:52:08,793 No, I don't believe she can. 655 00:52:16,124 --> 00:52:18,603 So you did all that with just candle wax and powder? 656 00:52:18,604 --> 00:52:21,202 - Yeah. Is it all off? - Yes. You're so beautiful. 657 00:52:21,203 --> 00:52:23,604 I'm sorry I sold your story. 658 00:52:23,605 --> 00:52:26,124 I need to get off this island, you see, and soon. 659 00:52:26,125 --> 00:52:29,324 And I need to see the world and be thrown into a volcano. 660 00:52:29,325 --> 00:52:31,204 It is my destiny. 661 00:52:31,205 --> 00:52:33,556 Oh, my God. I just realised who you are. 662 00:52:33,685 --> 00:52:36,845 You're Maggie, the ornithologist's wife. 663 00:52:36,846 --> 00:52:39,685 James based her on you. 664 00:52:39,686 --> 00:52:43,325 Maggie who would not bend, who turns on her oppressors. 665 00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:45,686 Yes, that's me. 666 00:52:45,687 --> 00:52:50,517 - You have been such an inspiration to me. - Thanks. 667 00:52:53,248 --> 00:52:55,727 I've just been kicked in the face by the most beautiful woman 668 00:52:55,728 --> 00:52:58,807 in the world who is now walking around outside dressed 669 00:52:58,808 --> 00:53:01,928 as my old boarding-school matron. I will pay 200 grand 670 00:53:01,929 --> 00:53:04,599 for that cover shot. Go and get it. 671 00:53:11,450 --> 00:53:15,969 Retro classic.100%/ pure new wool in a 13oz cloth. 672 00:53:15,970 --> 00:53:19,250 Untouched since 1978. 673 00:53:19,251 --> 00:53:22,001 What would I do without you? 674 00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:25,770 Katie, there's money on Whale Beach, enough for us to go away. 675 00:53:25,771 --> 00:53:29,123 But we have to get down there before the tide comes in. 676 00:53:31,892 --> 00:53:35,513 - Connor? - No, Mum. 677 00:53:36,573 --> 00:53:39,813 - This is my husband. - Your husband? 678 00:53:39,814 --> 00:53:42,092 It's been a bit crazy. Hi. James. 679 00:53:42,093 --> 00:53:44,132 Why is he dressed as your father? 680 00:53:44,133 --> 00:53:47,724 - Well, his girlfriend's missing... - He has a girlfriend? 681 00:53:48,894 --> 00:53:51,853 - Is this Toilet Man? - What? 682 00:53:51,854 --> 00:53:55,886 - The man you made a pass at in the toilet. - No. 683 00:53:56,176 --> 00:53:58,774 Why is there money on Whale Beach? 684 00:53:58,775 --> 00:54:00,375 Lara Tyler made me throw the cash 685 00:54:00,376 --> 00:54:02,695 I got from selling her wedding over the cliff. 686 00:54:02,696 --> 00:54:06,015 She's not married. She's on her way to Cathedral Cove 687 00:54:06,016 --> 00:54:07,687 to meet James Arber. 688 00:54:10,417 --> 00:54:12,367 James... 689 00:54:13,177 --> 00:54:15,127 Arber? 690 00:54:15,218 --> 00:54:17,168 Indeed. 691 00:54:17,577 --> 00:54:20,737 Very clever. So you manufactured this whole situation. 692 00:54:20,738 --> 00:54:22,057 Big sack of cash for telling the press, 693 00:54:22,058 --> 00:54:23,778 another for playing the decoy. When it's all over, 694 00:54:23,779 --> 00:54:25,218 the same again to set the record straight. 695 00:54:25,219 --> 00:54:27,978 Quite an industry you've made out of ruining other people's happiness. 696 00:54:27,979 --> 00:54:30,777 Making cow eyes at me for hours to add a little spice to the story. 697 00:54:30,778 --> 00:54:32,499 - Cow eyes? - Let me tell you. 698 00:54:32,500 --> 00:54:35,530 For a honeytrap to work, there needs to be honey. 699 00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:56,532 Do you like him? 700 00:54:57,103 --> 00:54:59,741 He's an emotionally retarded arty boy 701 00:54:59,742 --> 00:55:02,012 who's in love with another woman. 702 00:55:03,143 --> 00:55:07,133 - Of course I like him. - Did you tell him? 703 00:55:08,984 --> 00:55:11,623 A life spent making mistakes is so much better 704 00:55:11,624 --> 00:55:13,543 than a life spent doing nothing. 705 00:55:13,544 --> 00:55:17,504 Falling for your father was the best mistake I ever made. 706 00:55:17,505 --> 00:55:18,696 I got you. 707 00:55:19,586 --> 00:55:22,416 My worst mistake was not going after him. 708 00:55:22,505 --> 00:55:25,785 No. Would rather die. 709 00:55:25,786 --> 00:55:30,305 Really. Then we'll get a big photo of him and put it on the wall 710 00:55:30,306 --> 00:55:34,576 and you can throw darts at it for the rest of your life. 711 00:55:51,908 --> 00:55:55,298 Where do these stupid people kiss? 712 00:55:55,709 --> 00:55:58,388 Hello. I'm wondering if you can help me. Thank you. 713 00:55:58,389 --> 00:56:01,549 Is the Cathedral nearby, or any other coves? 714 00:56:01,550 --> 00:56:03,340 I've become rather lost. 715 00:56:11,352 --> 00:56:13,630 Oh, great. Now I've been recognised. 716 00:56:13,631 --> 00:56:16,550 Yes, I am James Arber. 717 00:56:16,551 --> 00:56:19,471 I am marrying Lara Tyler. Probably. 718 00:56:19,472 --> 00:56:22,632 But if you could try not to mention it to anyone 719 00:56:22,633 --> 00:56:24,863 and please don't call the press. 720 00:56:32,594 --> 00:56:34,544 All right, yes. 721 00:56:35,394 --> 00:56:38,753 Oh, no. No, that's not me. That's... 722 00:56:38,754 --> 00:56:42,225 OK. Who to? 723 00:56:44,715 --> 00:56:47,385 I'll just leave it blank for eBay. 724 00:56:52,316 --> 00:56:54,475 I'll be getting along in a moment. You've been very kind. 725 00:56:54,476 --> 00:56:58,387 But if you had a map of Hegg I could possibly borrow... 726 00:57:01,837 --> 00:57:05,747 Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No. 727 00:57:06,958 --> 00:57:10,267 Well, I might be a bit rusty. 728 00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:18,189 Yeah. I've been concentrating on the zither is the thing. 729 00:57:26,719 --> 00:57:28,670 Beautiful. 730 00:57:29,281 --> 00:57:31,470 Both deaf. 731 00:57:46,721 --> 00:57:48,752 OK, one more. Yeah. 732 00:58:21,047 --> 00:58:23,757 Hello, Mairead. Caleb. 733 00:58:25,967 --> 00:58:27,566 Mild out, isn't it? 734 00:58:27,567 --> 00:58:30,197 It's this global warming. 735 00:58:30,487 --> 00:58:34,677 I heard my husband playing the bagpipes. 736 00:58:37,768 --> 00:58:39,518 It's a long story. 737 00:58:48,249 --> 00:58:52,689 - Thank you. I was just coming back to find you. - Really? 738 00:58:52,690 --> 00:58:54,600 Yeah. We need to get divorced. 739 00:58:56,850 --> 00:59:00,450 Yes. Yes, of course. 740 00:59:00,451 --> 00:59:05,002 We should go and find Reverend McDonagh. He'll know what to do. 741 00:59:07,411 --> 00:59:12,081 OK, don't flip out, but James and that girl, they've escaped. 742 00:59:23,134 --> 00:59:25,564 We need local intelligence. 743 00:59:25,733 --> 00:59:27,443 Who's that awful woman? 744 00:59:27,534 --> 00:59:31,653 I don't know where any of them are. No one's been here. 745 00:59:31,654 --> 00:59:34,134 Yeah, see, I just don't believe you. 746 00:59:34,135 --> 00:59:37,125 Look, they could be anywhere by now. 747 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:43,415 But I think you know where they are. And I think for the right price, 748 00:59:43,416 --> 00:59:45,366 you'll tell me. 749 00:59:47,696 --> 00:59:50,976 I didn't sell your wedding. My mum did. 750 00:59:50,977 --> 00:59:54,776 - She's dying and a bit pissed off about it. - Oh, I'm sorry. 751 00:59:54,777 --> 00:59:58,656 She just wants to see the world before she goes. 752 00:59:58,657 --> 01:00:02,328 Ah, look. It's my country residence. 753 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,288 Quick, come on. Come on. 754 01:00:13,779 --> 01:00:17,499 - Where in God's name are we? - This book says it's a wildlife centre. 755 01:00:17,500 --> 01:00:19,339 You're a bleeding woman with your map reading. 756 01:00:19,340 --> 01:00:22,290 No, it's the book. It's all wrong. It's so heavy. 757 01:00:25,180 --> 01:00:27,131 Is somebody there? 758 01:00:32,662 --> 01:00:34,730 Incomers! Incomers! 759 01:00:34,731 --> 01:00:36,941 Sorry, love. Didn't realise anyone lived here. 760 01:00:36,942 --> 01:00:40,692 - I'll throw another puffin on the griddle for you. - No, thanks. 761 01:00:43,302 --> 01:00:46,493 Griddled puffin? On a Friday? 762 01:00:48,463 --> 01:00:52,942 Ah, our first home. What a life we could have had. 763 01:00:52,943 --> 01:00:55,814 Yeah. Come on. 764 01:00:59,664 --> 01:01:04,145 So you think this Reverend McDonagh can help untangle us? 765 01:01:04,146 --> 01:01:07,905 Well, I can't recall going to him with a similar problem, 766 01:01:07,906 --> 01:01:09,856 but, yes, he'll know what to do. 767 01:01:11,145 --> 01:01:13,986 There's something about islands, isn't there? 768 01:01:13,987 --> 01:01:15,777 Or is it just that I'm from one? 769 01:01:16,226 --> 01:01:18,676 No, there's something about islands. 770 01:01:18,677 --> 01:01:20,177 And this is just Hegg. 771 01:01:20,347 --> 01:01:22,906 We're the plain Jane of the Hebrides. 772 01:01:22,907 --> 01:01:25,626 You should see Barra. It's stunning. 773 01:01:25,627 --> 01:01:29,377 I like this one. It's beautiful. 774 01:01:32,908 --> 01:01:35,288 I wish I'd come here sooner. 775 01:01:41,949 --> 01:01:44,140 - Stay away from her, Englishman! - Angus! 776 01:01:45,431 --> 01:01:49,030 - Mr April? - You come over here, taking our women. 777 01:01:49,031 --> 01:01:51,660 Your women? Angus, don't! 778 01:01:53,470 --> 01:01:56,751 Run away with me. I never thought I had a chance with you 779 01:01:56,752 --> 01:02:00,031 until you came back and then... Marry me. 780 01:02:00,032 --> 01:02:03,752 You are married to Muireen. 781 01:02:03,753 --> 01:02:05,452 But I don't want her. 782 01:02:05,453 --> 01:02:07,632 I never wanted her. I always wanted you. 783 01:02:07,633 --> 01:02:10,592 Shame. You're married, she's married. Oh, what a tragedy. 784 01:02:10,593 --> 01:02:12,952 She's married? Who to? 785 01:02:12,953 --> 01:02:14,872 To me. 786 01:02:14,873 --> 01:02:16,824 Is that true? 787 01:02:20,034 --> 01:02:22,554 Right, then. I'll fight you for her. 788 01:02:22,555 --> 01:02:24,714 - No. - No, no. I don't fight. 789 01:02:24,715 --> 01:02:26,514 I win. I get to keep her. 790 01:02:26,515 --> 01:02:28,465 Angus! 791 01:02:33,115 --> 01:02:37,235 I wanted to grow old with you. You're beautiful and clever now. 792 01:02:37,236 --> 01:02:38,795 It's easy to love you now. 793 01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:41,675 But I'll still love you when the wind's dried you out. 794 01:02:41,676 --> 01:02:45,147 And when you're old and broken. Will he? 795 01:02:48,638 --> 01:02:52,557 Angus, I'm sorry. Go back to Muireen. 796 01:02:52,558 --> 01:02:55,188 Sort it out. She loves you. 797 01:02:55,878 --> 01:02:58,708 It's better when people love you back. 798 01:02:59,560 --> 01:03:01,509 So do you love him? 799 01:03:04,999 --> 01:03:07,299 - Come on. - I'm all right here. 800 01:03:20,481 --> 01:03:22,920 Wow. It's just amazing. 801 01:03:22,921 --> 01:03:26,432 I used to come out here a lot, on my own. 802 01:03:41,123 --> 01:03:45,163 Only married 5 minutes and already chasing after another woman, eh? 803 01:03:45,164 --> 01:03:47,722 Why not give this marriage a go first? 804 01:03:47,723 --> 01:03:51,674 Because the woman he's engaged to is Lara Tyler. 805 01:03:53,285 --> 01:03:55,475 She's an actress. 806 01:03:57,046 --> 01:04:01,445 She's ultra beautiful, mind-blowingly talented, 807 01:04:01,446 --> 01:04:05,925 and rare, and fine, and modest, 808 01:04:05,926 --> 01:04:10,286 and generous, and nice, and brilliant at everything. 809 01:04:10,287 --> 01:04:13,087 - But he's married to you. - Exactly. 810 01:04:13,088 --> 01:04:17,087 A mind-blowingly ordinary shop assistant 811 01:04:17,088 --> 01:04:19,847 from the Outer Hebrides. Bit of a comedown. 812 01:04:19,848 --> 01:04:21,798 You're not ordinary. 813 01:04:24,248 --> 01:04:26,889 She could be Miss Universe with a Nobel Peace Prize 814 01:04:26,890 --> 01:04:30,319 and she'd still be wrong for somebody. 815 01:04:30,490 --> 01:04:34,270 Weddings are like sunsets. The romance of a moment. 816 01:04:35,690 --> 01:04:38,929 Marriage is the sea into which that red sun sets. 817 01:04:38,930 --> 01:04:41,369 We got married by mistake. 818 01:04:41,370 --> 01:04:45,811 -Probably not the strongest basis for an enduring marriage. -No. 819 01:04:45,812 --> 01:04:47,279 Then, in days past, 820 01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:51,210 the MacNeils of Barra, huge ginger brutes they were, 821 01:04:51,211 --> 01:04:55,011 would cross the Minch to Hegg to steal our sheep 822 01:04:55,012 --> 01:04:57,132 and snatch a wife at the same time. 823 01:04:57,133 --> 01:05:00,572 But if we could reclaim the woman before consummation, 824 01:05:00,573 --> 01:05:04,492 the marriage didn't count. It's still in Hegg law. 825 01:05:04,493 --> 01:05:07,332 So if we can make it to Cathedral Cove before nightfall, 826 01:05:07,333 --> 01:05:10,333 your licence with Miss Tyler would still be valid 827 01:05:10,334 --> 01:05:14,324 and the original ceremony could go ahead as planned. 828 01:05:14,414 --> 01:05:17,485 If that's what you really want. 829 01:05:18,295 --> 01:05:20,695 How long have we got before it gets dark? 830 01:05:20,696 --> 01:05:21,975 About half an hour. 831 01:05:21,976 --> 01:05:25,095 When God made time, he made plenty of it. 832 01:05:25,096 --> 01:05:28,486 When God made twine, he made balls of it. 833 01:05:31,257 --> 01:05:35,647 Well, you think about it while I get my things ready. 834 01:05:35,778 --> 01:05:41,657 Oh, one last thing. Has the marriage been consummated? 835 01:05:41,658 --> 01:05:45,888 - No. - I just haven't had time. 836 01:05:48,059 --> 01:05:50,688 When God made time... 837 01:05:54,179 --> 01:05:55,978 Hello? 838 01:05:55,979 --> 01:05:57,929 Lara? 839 01:05:58,660 --> 01:06:00,610 James? 840 01:06:01,981 --> 01:06:06,130 - Why has she brought us here? - What is this place? 841 01:06:14,541 --> 01:06:17,380 How do you know when you've met 'the one'? 842 01:06:17,381 --> 01:06:19,941 Whenever you look at them, you find yourself singing 843 01:06:19,942 --> 01:06:22,893 'You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.' 844 01:06:25,062 --> 01:06:27,622 Is that what happens when you're with Lara? 845 01:06:27,623 --> 01:06:30,703 They asked 10,000 men to name their ideal partner 846 01:06:30,704 --> 01:06:34,933 and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically that includes 847 01:06:35,184 --> 01:06:37,134 at least 800 gay men. 848 01:06:37,425 --> 01:06:40,583 If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested in you, 849 01:06:40,584 --> 01:06:41,384 she's the one, 850 01:06:41,385 --> 01:06:43,334 it's kind of a rule. 851 01:06:44,545 --> 01:06:47,375 If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler, 852 01:06:48,385 --> 01:06:50,946 you can't be happy with anyone. 853 01:06:57,626 --> 01:07:02,617 You are sure about this? Because you seem like a good match to me. 854 01:07:15,549 --> 01:07:21,028 Do you, James Neil Arber, take Katie Nic Aodh 855 01:07:21,029 --> 01:07:25,619 - as your lawful wedded wife? - No, I do not. 856 01:07:26,070 --> 01:07:31,029 And do you, Katie Nic Aodh, take James Neil Arber 857 01:07:31,030 --> 01:07:34,640 as your lawful wedded husband? 858 01:07:34,641 --> 01:07:37,131 Absolutely not. No. Thank you. 859 01:07:38,872 --> 01:07:43,351 I would ask if you would now remove and return your rings as a sign 860 01:07:43,352 --> 01:07:45,382 that you are not married. 861 01:08:06,315 --> 01:08:09,385 Follow soon. We need to hurry. 862 01:08:15,116 --> 01:08:18,267 Good thing there are no pets involved. 863 01:08:19,876 --> 01:08:21,955 If I wasn't in the middle of the Atlantic 864 01:08:21,956 --> 01:08:24,195 after one of the strangest days of my life, 865 01:08:24,196 --> 01:08:26,146 I'd... 866 01:08:36,478 --> 01:08:38,548 James, wait. 867 01:08:39,798 --> 01:08:42,829 If things don't work out with Lara... 868 01:08:44,079 --> 01:08:46,539 I mean, she's perfect, obviously. 869 01:08:47,799 --> 01:08:50,719 But she gives you block. 870 01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:54,190 So maybe you're not one of the 9,800. 871 01:08:54,680 --> 01:08:57,110 That's not so impossible, is it? 872 01:08:59,721 --> 01:09:03,422 Because then you could not marry her. 873 01:09:04,641 --> 01:09:08,992 Then you could stay here. With me. 874 01:09:33,284 --> 01:09:35,235 I know. 875 01:09:37,125 --> 01:09:40,596 This is where you tell me I'm just one chapter, 876 01:09:41,006 --> 01:09:42,956 not a whole book. 877 01:09:56,087 --> 01:09:57,718 Go. 878 01:09:58,968 --> 01:10:00,838 Go. 879 01:10:11,769 --> 01:10:16,369 Guys! Lara's Tyler's not in the castle. 880 01:10:16,370 --> 01:10:19,449 They're getting married now in the haunted toilets. 881 01:10:19,450 --> 01:10:22,280 It's a local tradition. This way! 882 01:10:27,491 --> 01:10:32,122 - You OK? - Yeah. You? - Yeah. 883 01:10:33,771 --> 01:10:38,163 I don't really like big cat documentaries. 884 01:10:40,173 --> 01:10:42,123 That's OK. 885 01:10:42,372 --> 01:10:44,643 If we're going to do this, we'll have to be quick. 886 01:11:44,420 --> 01:11:48,770 Do you wanna taste the icing? Do you wanna taste the icing? 887 01:11:52,101 --> 01:11:54,051 What is that? 888 01:11:54,460 --> 01:12:00,540 Now, sweetie, I may look like a simple, cake-baking, 889 01:12:00,541 --> 01:12:04,532 small-town mom, but inside... 890 01:12:05,182 --> 01:12:08,693 I am a prize fighter, and I will not rest while there 891 01:12:08,862 --> 01:12:12,503 is a single rod of depleted uranium anywhere 892 01:12:12,504 --> 01:12:15,334 in South Carolina. 893 01:12:15,863 --> 01:12:17,033 Powerful stuff there. 894 01:12:17,034 --> 01:12:20,984 Lara Tyler in 'Depleted', out on Friday. 895 01:12:21,145 --> 01:12:23,343 There had been rumours of retirement. 896 01:12:23,344 --> 01:12:27,904 Last summer I was maybe thinking of leading a more quiet life, 897 01:12:27,905 --> 01:12:29,855 but... 898 01:12:30,025 --> 01:12:32,585 then I met this amazing Scottish woman. 899 01:12:32,586 --> 01:12:35,505 Terminally ill, never complained. 900 01:12:35,506 --> 01:12:39,426 Actually, no, she did complain about a lot of things. 901 01:12:39,427 --> 01:12:42,576 I heard recently that she passed away. 902 01:12:43,107 --> 01:12:48,537 But I was able to help her fulfill her dream to travel the world. 903 01:12:51,668 --> 01:12:53,618 Thank you, Lara. 904 01:13:33,673 --> 01:13:36,992 Hegg - An Island History, Second Edition. 905 01:13:36,993 --> 01:13:40,873 The Hegg is the furthermost drop of the outermost spray 906 01:13:40,874 --> 01:13:43,833 of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. 907 01:13:43,834 --> 01:13:47,113 But for those curious enough to take some time to discover her, 908 01:13:47,114 --> 01:13:51,114 Hegg's cliffs and moorlands, meadows and sandy beaches 909 01:13:51,115 --> 01:13:55,505 reveal her to be an island ready to exceed all expectations, 910 01:13:55,675 --> 01:13:58,355 a tiny rock of perfection 911 01:13:58,356 --> 01:14:01,896 jutting out of the restless Hebridean Sea. 912 01:14:01,996 --> 01:14:06,066 This is James Arber's new book. Much better, more mature. 913 01:14:06,197 --> 01:14:08,146 And only one chapter. 914 01:14:09,317 --> 01:14:11,796 Look. He dedicated it to Lara. 915 01:14:11,797 --> 01:14:16,077 Katie, but you're leaving again, so soon. 916 01:14:16,078 --> 01:14:18,238 Guidebooks don't write themselves. 917 01:14:18,239 --> 01:14:21,517 But I'll never forget who gave me my big break. 918 01:14:21,518 --> 01:14:24,758 I just came in to say hi and bye. I'm on the four o'clock boat. 919 01:14:24,759 --> 01:14:28,510 I've got a flight out to New Delhi and then onto Singapore. 920 01:14:28,840 --> 01:14:32,309 Harder to hit a moving target, eh? 921 01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:36,679 I should have known that bloody guidebook would take off. 922 01:14:36,680 --> 01:14:38,630 Idiot. 923 01:14:39,520 --> 01:14:41,951 It's not the same without you, Katie. 924 01:14:42,161 --> 01:14:46,271 Never was. We miss you. I miss you. 925 01:14:46,521 --> 01:14:48,471 There Katie, that's for you. 926 01:14:48,842 --> 01:14:53,072 It's a bride. For luck. It's the last one. 927 01:14:55,442 --> 01:14:58,001 - Thank you. - That'll be 1.50. 928 01:14:58,002 --> 01:15:01,642 - You off again, then, Katie? - I'm trying to. 929 01:15:01,643 --> 01:15:04,203 She'll be back. Her dad was a traveller, 930 01:15:04,204 --> 01:15:06,523 but her mam was a 'stay-at-home'. 931 01:15:06,524 --> 01:15:10,554 No, I'm not sure she was, deep down. 932 01:15:10,724 --> 01:15:12,763 I really need to... 933 01:15:12,764 --> 01:15:14,715 I'll warrant you're a bit of both. 934 01:15:15,685 --> 01:15:17,635 Goodbye, all. 935 01:15:53,689 --> 01:15:55,639 Hallo! 936 01:15:57,010 --> 01:15:59,470 Hello! Hello. 937 01:16:03,010 --> 01:16:06,089 - Long time no see. - Yeah. 938 01:16:06,090 --> 01:16:09,890 I was hoping for our first meeting to be a bit more casual. 939 01:16:09,891 --> 01:16:12,690 What are you doing here? 940 01:16:12,691 --> 01:16:16,051 I've been trying to get your attention with conventional weapons, 941 01:16:16,052 --> 01:16:18,971 phones, emails, that sort of thing. - I've been away. 942 01:16:18,972 --> 01:16:21,612 Yeah, and you're leaving again. Did you not read my new book? 943 01:16:21,613 --> 01:16:26,733 - Not so much, no. - You really should have read it. 944 01:16:26,734 --> 01:16:31,133 - The Hegg Book Club gave it seven and a half. - Seven and a half? 945 01:16:31,134 --> 01:16:32,733 That's generous for the Hegg Book Club. 946 01:16:32,734 --> 01:16:34,694 They said it picked up around page six. 947 01:16:34,695 --> 01:16:39,053 - So you didn't see the dedication? - It's dedicated to Lara. 948 01:16:39,054 --> 01:16:41,685 No! It's not! 949 01:16:43,415 --> 01:16:45,365 It's not! 950 01:16:50,816 --> 01:16:54,767 "To my wife. A chapter can be a book." 951 01:16:56,176 --> 01:16:59,396 What does he mean, a chapter can be a book? 952 01:16:59,397 --> 01:17:00,167 I don't know. 953 01:17:04,017 --> 01:17:05,968 I don't know. 954 01:17:11,859 --> 01:17:13,569 Have you got a radio? 955 01:17:19,700 --> 01:17:22,978 He said to tell you, the only person he ever wed was you. 956 01:17:22,979 --> 01:17:26,520 But he and Lara let the press think they were married. 957 01:17:29,140 --> 01:17:31,091 He's not married? 958 01:17:35,661 --> 01:17:38,731 Katie, shall we go back? 959 01:17:43,102 --> 01:17:45,051 Would you mind? 960 01:18:00,384 --> 01:18:03,263 I can't believe you didn't read my book. 961 01:18:03,264 --> 01:18:05,384 I couldn't really bring myself to. 962 01:18:05,385 --> 01:18:09,696 Well, I hope you will one day, because there's a character in there 963 01:18:10,105 --> 01:18:12,535 kind of reminds me a lot of you. 964 01:18:14,025 --> 01:18:16,785 It's a book about a man, a really stupid man, 965 01:18:16,786 --> 01:18:19,425 who makes a really bad decision, 966 01:18:19,426 --> 01:18:22,967 and how he loses somebody amazing from his life. 967 01:18:24,667 --> 01:18:29,017 And how he comes to realise he cannot continue in his life... 968 01:18:30,107 --> 01:18:32,058 without her. 969 01:18:35,868 --> 01:18:38,698 They say write about what you know. 970 01:18:40,229 --> 01:18:44,779 So, obviously, I set it against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War. 971 01:18:46,989 --> 01:18:50,589 - And Lara? - She's absolutely fine. 972 01:18:50,590 --> 01:18:53,629 We agreed we weren't right for each other. 973 01:18:53,630 --> 01:18:57,189 By the way, I read your excellent guidebook. 974 01:18:57,190 --> 01:18:59,109 Really? 975 01:18:59,110 --> 01:19:03,351 How embarrassing. I've been quite rude about you in the new edition. 976 01:19:03,352 --> 01:19:07,052 Well, I love intelligent feedback. 977 01:19:07,232 --> 01:19:10,391 And you're back on Hegg now because? 978 01:19:10,392 --> 01:19:13,111 I'm on a sheep-stealing raid, yeah. 979 01:19:13,112 --> 01:19:17,743 I thought I might grab myself a woman at the same time, but... 980 01:19:18,313 --> 01:19:23,174 Predominantly, it's a sheep-snatching thing. 981 01:19:34,715 --> 01:19:36,665 Do you want me to sign that for you? 982 01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:14,550 Hey. 983 01:20:15,401 --> 01:20:17,350 Hi. 984 01:20:19,440 --> 01:20:21,390 I like this one.